On my bookshelf is a copy of Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick’s book Coming Home to Myself. The cover picture, by Jill Mellick herself, is a beautifully creative expression of what I call our ‘inside relationship’, our relationship with ourselves. We can perhaps imagine the woman with her back to us becoming aware of herself while gazing out to sea.
Understanding this inner relationship is central to my work as a therapist, yet it’s not something we usually spend much time thinking about. External life is busy and demanding and we may not spend much time on self-reflection. Doing so may even feel like self-indulgence.
After all, so many of us are already struggling in our relationships with others, living in ways that wound and perpetuate wounds. Maybe some of us just bump along, ricocheting from one drama to another. Being with ourselves can be difficult if we are in turmoil and bombarded by parts of ourselves that may jangle the hinges and bang at the door of our inner peace. Perhaps the only way we know is to hold on, or plough on; or ignore or banish these parts of ourselves, suppressing them with well-honed habits of distraction or turning to addictive substances to calm us down.
Yet, rather like concentrating on a ball of tangled string, when we sit and notice what is going on and wonder why, perhaps these troublesome emotional parts of ourselves actually might begin to make sense. I believe that they actually need respect (from the Latin, meaning to be seen again), to be understood and recognised for the priorities they have. When they receive it, they might like the attention and settle down.
To ‘go inside’ we need to be prepared to slow down and change consciousness a little. Try the following mini-exercise:
Just try taking a few seconds to attend to the rhythm of your breathing. As you draw breath into your lungs, notice the sensations involved as your ribs and abdomen expand, and the subtle drawing in of air through your nostrils or mouth. Become aware of your posture and take a few seconds to properly ‘arrive’ in your body. Attend to a few breaths in this way and notice any difference in your sense of well-being as you perform this simple practice.
We might fear that if we give those feelings inside us too much space and attention, they may ‘go ape’, take us over or swamp us. Yet my experience is so often the opposite. I love what the poet Rumi writes about welcoming parts of ourselves openly:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival
Be grateful for whoever comes
As I explore in my book 20 Ways to Break Free from Trauma, sometimes our experiences teach us to be wary of the world. Habit may have locked us in to an expectation of attack – even from within ourselves; and this can lead us to a tendency to feel anxious or hypervigilant inside. But if we notice our feelings and sensations mindfully and honestly and repeatedly, we begin to open up a green space of peace in our minds, where we might take the risk of speaking the truth of what we feel.
Sometimes this can be painful, but acknowledging the truth can also bring us relief and greater wellbeing. It may take time and patience, but when we become open to all parts of ourselves and learn to call them loved, we learn how to be truly ourselves. We come home to ourselves.